This book is not an incoherent mingle-mangle, as might be suggested by a look at the titles of the 102 chapters, but is full of interrelations. In the prologue it says that in my wife’s ward there are “famous and infamous” patients, with an example for an infamous one; a famous one is named in the penultimate chapter “Marco d’Aviano” (it is not Marco).
Recurrent themes are misfortune in love (typical sentence: “I never saw her again”), sexual ignorance („For the last operation we had to shave your pubic hair: this will feel prickly for some days, and that’s uncomfortable of course.“ „Not for me!“ I said naively. „But for someone else“, the nurse alluded. „Who do you mean??“), the lack of friendly emotions despite the numerous possibilities to meet people, the search for warmth and safety (metaphors: the holiday village manager who even in the Corsican summer always has the heating on, the film producer who always leaves all the lights on), lack of understanding for the complicated adults as well as difficult relations with authorities: “As for the headmaster, I don’t remember him at all, and that should be the best thing to say about a school director, especially considering my later experiences with several unglorious representatives of that species.”
Growing up or not, loneliness, speechlessness, the vain longing for tenderness and intimacy as well as the search for a partner, a friend, a father figure and a mother figure are other themes of this book, and also life in German and Italian schools and in an Italian office (quite spectacular).
The book is dedicated to the overlooked, the untouched, who will never know love (or only after decades, like me). This may remind of Gail Honeyman’s “Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine”. But while in Honeyman everything is invention, my book consists of authentic experiences of loneliness. And while Oliphant uses alcohol to support her life, in my book the protagonist does not drink, thus for decades is fully aware of his loneliness. How can he survive?
With music (actively and passively), reading and, above all, visiting many events, without ever meeting someone he knows. Twice in his life he has many friends but loses all of them all of a sudden. Physical contact with people is possible only when he after many years finds a Reiki group. That is the penultimate step to become mature for getting to know a partner for life; the last one is a theater therapy. In all the years before he receives physical contact only from flies, ants, and a cat.
In order to be able to talk to somebody on a Sunday, he goes to his laundress always on Sundays, visits a colleague in hospital („But he was sleeping…“) and even a stranger in a closed psychiatric ward.
As to language, the central word is „espiègle“, mischievous. That’s how my wife was defined by her mother, and how I have called her ever since. This is one of the reasons why we have never quarreled in 14 years.
The book offers many surprises, incredible events which however are always true (only the aliens are from a book but it is considered credible by experts), and many funny episodes like the one at the Archbishop’s where I „came marching in like farmer Hansen from Munkwolstrup“.
Foreshadowings are frequent: „I was at the beginning of my studies, thus had no academic laurels to present (nor would I have any at their end, except a thesis about a novel of doubtful value by an author that nobody knows)…“ „The tragedy of his life would be revealed to me only after his death.“ (It is about my father.)
Short summary
A childhood without tenderness is followed by schoolyears full of eccentric ideas. The university years are marked by numerous failed attempts to establish contact with the other sex. After eight months in Bastia/Corsica and in Northern France with unusual friendships, a sunny winter spent in Udine tipped the scales in favour of emigrating to Italy. But before there is the traineeship at German secondary schools with dramatic incidents; eleven-year-old pupils give useful teaching tips. In Italy, after tons of bad luck with girls, at 47 years I get to know my wife and have been happily married for 14 years. Outside the family however, occasionally a certain conflict of mentalities can be felt.
Detailed summary
This is the story of a strange life, with strange people (and animals and plants), strange events and strange activities, both professional and private.
Enter: four popes, an archbishop, one king, one queen, the daughter of a king (or tribal chief), a prince, two princesses, one count, one countess, a duke, two well-known authors, the daughter of my favourite writer, a lost film producer, two Owlyglasses, a medium, three miracle workers, three witches, a Japanese viola da gamba player, a lioness (metaphorical), a giant snake (not metaphorical), a mole. Several suicides and premature deaths occur, four bomb attacks (against friends of mine), a death threat, one attempted murder. Everything I describe is true; in some cases proofs are given or (the „Malchus trick“) additional information that would not be necessary but makes appear the whole authentic. It is also true when I write that my sister-in-law is a doctor although she died a year ago, because when I wrote that, she was still alive. It is true when I write about something that happened „yesterday“ because I wrote that sentence the day after. In this manner the book swims in the current of time.
However there are a few little exaggerations but the reader can easily find them out, like the scene where I roll in the dust in the steelwork jeering together with the engineers.
The alternative title „I want to be fondled too” does not (only) refer to me but was pronounced by an elderly lady: „While I was going away, her neighbour exclaimed: “I want to be fondled too!” I had, without noticing it, fondled my mother while talking to her, as I often do with my wife… So I also fondled that old woman, and there another table companion came forth uttering the same desire, and she too got her share…”
The chronology is often livened up: by comparisons with events just happened or with Italy as well as by comments of my wife and my sister who practically look over my shoulders. Some topics are dealt with in one go even if they extend over several years, like „cockroaches“ and „moles“. This partly chronological, partly thematic method may entail that a few episodes are mentioned twice; but this is handled in such a way that the reader each time learns something new, e. g. the funeral of my wife’s best friend: „She could not attend her funeral because she did not succeed in switching shift with a colleague.“, while in a later chapter it says: „If my wife had been able to attend the funeral, it would have broken her heart to hear the little pupils speaking about their deceased teacher.“
There are numerous comparisons between Germany and Italy, e. g. my protected childhood and my wife’s rough childhood. Just before at long last I get to know my future wife, there is a flashback of 17 years in order to list the most important school experiences, not without comprehension for the reader’s disappointment: „‘That’s typical for authors’, I see you thinking, ‘we were already on the home straight, and there he is taking another round of the stadium just to put us on the rack!’ If however you skipped the following chapters, you would miss out on several funny episodes, and also on some mean ones.”
The final part depicts a sort of paradise: happy marriage, spectacular scenery on the doorstep, rare animals and flowers, and cats’ idyll.
Authors quoted are: Goethe, Robert Frost, Horaz, Giovanni Verga, Heidegger, Sartre, Paul Auster, Matthew Lewis, Shakespeare, Melville, Ashley Montagu, Kafka, Calvino, I. J. Singer, Kempowski, Stifter, Duerr, and Robert Betz.
Style:
Short sentences describe tragic events: „That evening [when my girl had just left me] my former landlady called. I could not get a word out. She guessed why.“
Long sentences describe euphoria: „But I was young and optimistic and simply remained there and mixed among the singers and took part in the rehearsal.“
Some paragraphs consist of three sentences of the type: introduction, development, and the third sentence wrecks it all: „On Christmas Eve we dined on hare. Papa put on the LP with Beethoven’s violin concerto which in its solemnity fits perfectly to that most festive moment of the year. But „the women“ did not want music during the meal.“
Gerunds are used for humour: „Heidegger’s Not wanting to be understood“, “It must have bee each time one Not having smiled too much which had scared the others away from me.”
Sentences like „We all were looking forward to it“ are always followed by letdowns.
Tristram Shandy greets John Keating when I excuse a quotation without page number by asserting that I threw away the book (ch. 99).
Short description of the main characters:
First-person narrator: a crossbred of Simplizissimus and Till Eulenspiegel, whose naiveté is due to his unworldly native town Schleswig, e. g. „towns in South Germany must be full of stairs with hundreds of steps“, „South Germans always have to cope with clicking ears“ (because of the altitude). His ignorance in sex is unparalleled worldwide. He wants to be kind to everybody but mostly he is perceived as stand-offish. His humour and what else he says is not understood or not appreciated; he for his part does not understand the others who function only with the help of coffee, want to complicate everything and only talk about work. He is not taken seriously by his colleagues. He makes faux pas and thus jeopardizes friendships.
My father: respected by everybody, conservative, has a wide range of interests, in the office he ensures a good atmosphere, at home he is tight-lipped. Thinks a father may fondle his little daughters but not his son. When his children reach school age, he leaves them to his wife. Exacts from his son a certain standard which however is never defined; when he sees that his son is not going to meet it, he abandons him. Drinks, but never too much. Smokes a lot, until his first stroke. Downplays health problems so that he dies at only 65 years.
My mother: prefers staying at home, despite good A levels hardly any interests except crosswords and „books by countesses“, calls tenderness „apes’ love“, considers her children well educated if they tuck their shirt into the trousers, says that „after marriage friends lose importance“, joins a choir (where she finds a new friend) only when we three children have left home. The sentences she uses most are: „Idiot!“, „Will you hurry up!“ und „Are you off your head?“
My (younger) sister: Was in her youth in conflict with society. Generous, principled, likes hiking, reading, travelling by train, does not hold back with criticism. Hates Facebook and Google. Has no smartphone and no car. Keeps her private life a secret.
My wife: I call her Owlyglass or Owl, because she often plays pranks like German Eulenspiegel, but everybody finds she is a „simpaticissima“ friend to have fun with together. In hospital she is the best liked person of her ward. She knows how to console a desperate friend. Only in part she is ready to adapt the outdated traditions of her village to modern times; she always sleeps fully clothed, even in midsummer. She works a lot, also in the house. In the evening she reads a good book; she sleeps up to twelve hours. Sometimes she agrees to have a walk, but a short one, and not uphill.
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